Here is my two cents for what it’s worth.
First, saying you “have a birth mother” is inappropriate. You don’t really have her right? (like you have a child, a dog, a car, a house?) She is not yours. You might say, ‘an expectant mother has chosen us,’ or ‘the agency has matched us with an expectant mother.’
Secondly, if the expectant mother has not given birth yet nor has she signed relinquishment papers, she is in no way a birth mother. Once she gives birth (hence the term “birth” mother) AND if she proceeds with the relinquishment, than she may be a birth, first mom, or the biological mother of the child.
Lastly, open adoption takes on many meanings. If you are uncomfortable, unsure or not enthusiastic about an open adoption, then you should find someone who wants a closed adoption, although I am not a big fan of closed adoption at all. But you shouldn’t agree to an open adoption unless your heart is in the right place and you feel this is the right path for you and your family. In other words, don’t just agree to an open adoption because it seems like the trendy thing to do or because it may help you become a parent easier or faster. And especially if you don’t plan to follow through with your open adoption agreement, promise and commitment.
I am a birth mother. I have an open adoption with my son and his family. And while I will agree that at first, our relationship was awkward only because it was new and we were exploring new territory, our relationship has evolved. Each year I grow to love them more and more. We have become one big family. We share a mutual respect and honor each other for our role in our mutual son’s life. My son knows he is loved by his first, birth, original family and his adoptive family.
Remember, adoption is about the children.
Adoption is supposed to satisfy the needs of the child, not the needs of an adult.
One Women – Thank you for your expression of common sense, sensibility and moral sense. The world needs more people like you who remind us that we all need to share a mutual respect and honor each other for our diversity of roles knowing that children are forever and always. Those who concentrate on the illnesses and anxieties of modern culture often seem less forgiving and intolerant of others with contrary points of view. Good dialogue and the art of thoughtful expression of ideas and new perspectives seems to be waning in favor of text shorthand messages filled with initialisms, cyberslang, chat acronyms, net lingo, smilies, hieroglyphics, and international online jargon, originating from chat rooms, blogs and social media without much substance. I hope others will be inspired by your message of hope and optimism, appreciate your positive and inclusive point of view, and accept your premise that everyone needs to be supportive of children regardless of their legal and biological connections. Thank for being an inspiration and a good example for others to follow. Judith
Thanks Judith. Your words are inspiring and they mean a great deal. I think we are all evolving together in our adoption world one story at a time. No matter what role we bring to the table, we can learn from each other. You hit the nail on the head…”everyone needs to be supportive of children regardless of their legal and biological connections.”